Africa's "By Force" Westernization

                                             
Hi guys! Ever felt sexually harassed when someone sags and you can see their buttocks? Ever been molested in the name of pecking as a form of greeting? Ever felt bad for someone who keeps forcing "abroad" accent? LOL. If you answered yes to any of those questions, please watch this webisode and of course, SUBSCRIBE!!!

Girls: Relationship Turnoffs/Romance Deal Breakers

This is the part 2 I promised a month ago. I address relationship turnoffs from a guy's perspective:

1. Dirty woman: woman, your underwear is torn. Overwear is torn. Clothes are dirty. You now look battered shattered tattered haggard.

2. 24/7 scantily clad woman. I have seen girls even trying to wear skimpy stuff in winter. Really???

3. Overly made up woman. Please don't look like a masquerade all the time. Let your face breathe.

4. Insecure, loud and violent woman. Not only men are aggressive. There are aggressive women too. Ladies, if you see your man talking to another girl, terminator 3 mode activated! Rachettness.

5. Dependent woman. Carry your money to restaurant on your date. Offer to split the check. Don’t always ask men to bring

6. Woman who bombards social media with photos and life history. If you now breakup, you’ll look like a serial dater.

7. Still keep pursuing individual interests. Because we are now dating, I’m mary and you're Joseph, our facebook accounts need not be MaryandJoseph Adeyemi. or maryandjosephadeyemi@gmail.com. We have to wear aso-ebi/uniform everyday everywhere. Why? Are we siamese twins? Don't be too clingy!

8. Ladies who form. Don’t try to be what you’re not because you think that’s what the guy likes. if you can’t sweep, you can’t. period. If you’re an nkwobi and ewedu chic, don’t form pasta and shawarma. Ewedu is actually healthier than sharwarma.

9. Ladies who front and keep keeping guys in suspense. It’s either yes or no. This is 2015. We’re not gonna do the suspense thing. Playing hard to get is so 1990.

How Some (African) Guys Handle Rejection

In this one, Kemi discusses horrible ways guys handle rejection. It's not like I want to be dissing guys all the time o.

1. See a girl you like at church, she "friendzones" you, then you start spreading lies about her. She’s gay. She has a spiritual husband. Really???

2. Dissing the girl on social media/internet. Posting her nude pics.

3. Asking for gifts back -- gifts you gave her during the relationship while the love was hot.

4. Planning revenge. How can I get back at her? How can I teach her a lesson?

5. Giving stupid reasons why she should still date you.

What you need to do is ignore. The person rejected you or dumped you. Guess what? Ignoring her is the best revenge. Acknowledging a problem gives it credibility, so don't acknowledge.

Also, learn from your rejections and improve yourself. If you are aware of your mistakes that led to you being rejected, improve your skills and learn to be better. Climb out of rejection like a champion!

Boys: Relationship Turnoffs/Romance Deal Breakers

If you are a man who has been trying to get a lady to be your date, especially this love season, and she keeps saying no -- read this...

Possible reasons for this rejection:

- A dirty unkempt cave-like looking man.....yikes!

- A man who is not fashionable....haha!

- A man who bathes with cologne.....Mscheeew!

- A man who is aggressive...hell no!

- A man who is controlling....no no no!

- A Man who gives observations rather than compliments

- A dependent man....why oh why???

Kemi's Top Six Social Media Don'ts

Kemi addresses social media don'ts in this webisode. Nigerians over-abbreviate, fight on social media, take too many selfies...and I thought I'd address these things. OK not just Nigerians. Some non-Nigerian Africans do it too. Enjoy :)

1. Stop insulting people on social media. Stop fighting under posts. Some people then create multiple profiles because they have destroyed their reputation under one. Have fun on social media. Relax. It’s an entertaining platform.

2. Stop dropping useless unrelated comments under posts. Must you say “first to comment” or “first to gboriwole?”

3. Stop taking too many selfies. Especially at work


4. Stop using too many abbreviations. HBD. GGMUB. LLNP. HML. HIV.

5. Please flaunt your relationship symmetrically. "Le boo, Honey of life just bought me earring. #bae said yes. So what if she said no? Tell me that too! Make your openness balanced! If una wan open fowl yarnsh, expose am completely.

6. Proofread your posts before sharing with the public. You post error-filled statuses and you look very silly.

Attitudes to Drop in 2015

1. Pessimism. Negativity. No matter how many good things people do or want to do, pessimists always find a way to put it down.

Scenario: "Oh I just bought a car." Then, out of nowhere:"meeeen did u read about that fatal car accident?" 

Really? You wanna talk about a fatal car accident right now?? I empathize with the victims, but your timing is very awkward. Americans call you "Debbie Downer." Someone who frequently adds bad news and negative feelings to a gathering, thus bringing down the mood of everyone around them. They don't see anything good in any situation or person.

2. Don't be a bandwagon jumper -- "everyone is doing it." You will do anything as long as you can point to a few other people who have done it. You put little or no thought at all in the things you do. If Nicki Minaj is wearing it, you must wear it. If Kim K is rocking it, you must rock it as well. You have no mind of your own and of course reach for more than you can pull. Brazillian hair. Check. Malaysian hair. Check. And you can’t afford these things.

3. Don't be Judgmental. Brother Kunle entered  Sister Titi’s room at 10pm yesterday and didn’t come out until 6am this morning. We must therefore stone Sister Titi. First of all, why are you stalking them? Second, why are you judging them?

4. Don't be proud (I’m better than everyone else). You are better than the rest of us in every way imaginable and there's nothing we can do to change that fact. You drive a lexus, a mercedes benz, and an escalade. You only enter first class. So the rest of us in economy, we should go and die??

5. Don't be a chameleon. We don’t know your true color or true calling. You adapt to every situation because you are desperate. You become a pretender. At church on Sunday you are in the choir. You are at the mosque on Friday too! On Monday night you are at the red light district.

6. Don't be overly religious. If person "do" mistake listen to Davido’s song, the person has sinned. If person watch Cameron Diaz movie, hell fire!! There's a difference between religion and faith o. Please don't get those two mixed up.

7. Don't be an "I don’t want to lose my culture” person. To you, eating pizza is a sin. We must eat amala for breakfast. Semo for lunch. Ekuru for dinner. We must travel back home once a month. Please why bother to come to America???

8. Don't be a party freak. Everyday, turn up. You’re always available. Graduation party, you. Wedding party, you. Funeral, you. Naming ceremony, you. Coronation of the Awujale of Ijebuland, you. Eyo masquerade, you will carry.

9. Don't be a social media freak. Instagram is your private diary. "I just woke up. I’m going to the bathroom. My husband just hugged me. I’m drinking water. I’m balling. I’m going to the gym." REALLY???

10. Don't be overly knowledgeable. You know the exact date and time the cold war started and ended. And if someone doesn't know the name of the president of Burma, he/she will become a nonentity in your eyes.As far as you are concerned, pi is not just 3.142, pi is 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937510

Africans: Some Sanitary Measures

In this webisode, I chose to address personal hygiene and some measures we Africans can take to keep ourselves clean:

1. Team natural hair -- Team #solangeknowles. Team Chimamanda Adichie. Please comb your natural hair. Do a twist out. Wash it. Whatever. Don’t look like Tarzan or George of the jungle. Americans already think we are from the jungle. What will they think when they see you looking unkempt? Please save us and our reputation.

2. Team white -- typically after wearing a white shirt or white pants once, they're stained. You have to wash them. Now, if you wash whites with other colors, whites will likely be stained. It will now turn to orange or brown. Or maybe the rest of the shirt will be white and then the armpit part will be brown because you’ve been wearing it over and over without washing it. No!

3. Team eye boogers -- Please wash your face in the morning. Some people go as far as taking a selfie and adding hash tag "I woke up like this." Hash tag "flawless." Ain't nothing flawless about you! Please, the first thing to do before coming out to interact with other human beings is wash your face and brush your teeth. So unless there’s an emergency, or there’s an ambulance outside your door waiting to carry you to a hospital, do not come out of your house without washing your face. There's a difference between looking natural and looking dirty.

4. Team tallons -- Unnecessarily long and dirty nails. Then the nails start harboring all kinds of bacteria, virus, fungi. Hand sanitizers don’t replace washing hands with soap and water. If you wash your hands regularly, dirt won’t gather under your nails. Trim your nails if you can’t maintain long nails.

5. Team smelly. 

 a. Ladies, hairy/smelly armpit. Why? Ladies, shave your armpit. And there’s nothing cool about wearing a sleeveless top or dress and your armpit looks like animal fur. And please use deodorants too.

b. Smelling like food -- Like fish, goat, jollof rice. We are Africans, and we cook with spices. But shut your bedroom doors when you’re cooking so that the smell of food doesn't stick on your clothes. And occasionally open the window and let fresh air in so that you won't choke in the smell of your own food. Don't smell like garlic at the gym. Don't smell like jollof rice at church!!

African Party Etiquette

We all love African parties -- the music, the food, the dancing. But some people misbehave. So I have decided to address that. What to do and what not to do at parties:

1. Don’t be a "Long Throat:" Stop overeating and taking too much food to go at parties. Some people act like they've never seen food before -- even educated people who ought to be enlightened.

2. Act as if you're a host, not a guest. Reach out to people standing by themselves. Mingle. Don’t be tribalistic. Don’t not talk to someone because you think they’re not Yoruba or Igbo or Nigerian.

3. Don’t be rude and nasty and carry a "long face" around. We know you have bills to pay. We all do. We know you have mortgage and car loan. But please you’re not the only one in the world with issues. Be pleasant, be cheerful, smile, and mingle, no matter what mood you're in. If you've had a bad day, don't rain on anyone else's parade by talking about your negative experience — unless, of course, you want people to run away from you.

4. Listen more than you talk: You have two ears and one mouth. Use them in that proportion. Ratio 2:1. Nothing is more annoying than when your voice will be the loudest at a party. Don’t act like you're an "ITK" (I Too Know). Listen to others and entertain other people’s opinions.

5. Avoid making negative comments on the room, the food, the host, other attendees: Don't be a "nothing satisfies me" kind of person. The jollof rice is not red enough. The egusi soup has too much egusi inside. The gele of the host is too big. Or you might be the one who talks about everyone who walks around: “Meeeen, that woman has bleached and her knuckles are so black.” Just mind your business and be thankful that you have food to eat!! Stop making negative comments!

Nigerians Demystified

Nigerians are a very interesting people (unarguably). Yes, I am Nigerian. This is why I chose to address common stereotypes and myths that follow us in my fourth webisode:


a. We are proud and full of ourselves and think we're better than everyone else.

b. We party a lot. Like every week. For no reason.

c. We have a distinct interesting (and maybe funny) accent. (yes we do!)

d. We are all scammers and can’t be trusted. 

e. We are all from Lagos.

f. We have an insatiable need to show off. An undying urge. 

g. We are loud and we put “o” at the end of every statement. 

h. We all speak pidgin 

i. Nigerians don’t emulate western culture wisely. 

j. (My personal favorite) Overboard weddings

African Pressurizers

Every unmarried West African woman of a certain age has experienced pressure from people. Pressure to date, marry, or get engaged to someone quickly. My third webisode addresses this pressure.

Ways People Can Annoy You:

1. They call you. Ask you questions like: How’s the brother? When will the wedding bells ring? They make you second guess yourself and feel little and incomplete and invisible. These people may have good intentions, but their delivery is inconvenient.

2. The numerous calls and pressure can make you lose focus on school or work or your goals. People will tell you, “No matter how much success you have, you must still end up under a man.”

3. This pressure leads to desperation. You become desperate to find someone and eventually, you could end up with the wrong person. You might end up settling for less than you deserve. You might end up with a messed up man who will lock you in the basement and feed you from a tube. Or even an abuser -- he will beat you like a drum!

For many Africans, a female is always seen as a child until she marries and starts "borning" kids. Only marriage can warrant “adulthood” status.

How To Deal With The Marriage Pressure

1. Block the caller’s number. Block them from every social media.

2. Become a statistician: “Oh, Aunty, 20% of my friends who got married in their early 20s are already getting a divorce! 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence during her lifetime. Women experience more than 4 million physical assaults and rapes because of their partners. Women ages 20 to 24 are at greatest risk of becoming victims of domestic violence. Every year, 1 in 3 women who is a victim of homicide is murdered by her current or former partner.”

3. Focus on yourself. Do things that make you happy. Live. Laugh. Love. Volunteer for a good cause. Don’t be idle lest you get sad. Throw yourself out there. Get busy. Find ways to develop yourself. Take cooking classes. Learn a new language if you’ve always wanted to. Enroll for graduate school classes. There are some interesting things you will learn about yourself if you will stop obsessing over finding a man.

Stay blessed!